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God Knows What

by Conductors

/
1.
Spurned, jilted, and neglected, I’m sick of songs all about feeling, but that’s a feeling, that’s a feeling too. You cannot avoid being in a mood. We should not sing about things about which we won't talk. Sing about what’s strange. Love’s well understood. Love is unavoidable, so it always resonates. But that shouldn’t be the point - don’t listen just to shake. Spurned, jilted, and neglected, I’m sick of songs all about feeling, but that’s a feeling, that’s a feeling too. You cannot avoid being in a mood Oh yes people are betrayed, and people don't make sense. Understanding may not get you far. Emotions are not hard to get. I don't know if I'm wise. Don’t know what dignity signifies. I know everything is personal for a person.
2.
Want to be sincere  with you dear. Want to be sincere with you dear. Unmediated communication Imagine just how it would be. There would be no deceiving. But I spose you can say too much. I won't be false, but won't be obvious, won’t be aggressive with feeling. I know loving words can be threatening. Wanna be an artist not in a contest. Art's not just anything. It takes and makes feeling. Some artists while they're breaking up purse their lips and kiss their notebooks, wait to hear how the other feels on the next record release. And cease to be sincere or direct except to those they haven't met. No more performing. No more ignoring. Can we be sincere in spite of all our fear?
3.
Not Together 03:33
When we became alone together  I thought all curtains would be  torn asunder. But they do remain unencumbered. O how they remain unencumbered. You’re not s’posed to be  estranged from those you kiss, but every one's left me forsaken. There is an eternal love  I've felt its trace, but only tasted crumbs. Seems that we're close - walking a tight rope. It’s not a thing that can be found. Still I search unceasingly. What does it take to make sincerity? Intimacy seems so easy when I see it only on the TV. O what a funny thing thinking of marrying. O what a silly thing thinking of marrying. Disconnectedness isn’t only in romance. Separate friends and family also warrant intimacy. There is an eternal love  I've felt its trace, but only tasted crumbs. I lean in close - you lean against the ropes. I thought we didn’t want to be so separate, but everything becomes a contest. When we became alone together  I thought all curtains would be  torn asunder. I can’t open them all on my own. I can’t open them with just a diamond ring. Love is not made only by human hands. It happens in between those who love sincerity.
4.
Disorient! Forget the monument. Disorient! Forget those girls you’ve met. Avoid the sidewalk! [It’s narrow] It smells of ammonia. City wants your blood! It knows where you’re going. I’m in a situation - Can’t escape from a situation I’m always situated - Defined by my situation In different situations - I'm different persons  I'm always missing  the best situations Regular people, crazy people, pedestrians live for pleasure. Disorient! Don't live like pedestrians. Disorient! Don’t live for pleasure.
5.
Nobody's God 04:18
I am not accountable to an ant. Still I make demands expecting no answer from above. Why the sense of symmetry? Why the sense that it all makes sense? Why the fantasy of justice if all the world is graceless? I can’t see the full sum I can see enough of negative Indifference wouldn’t be so strange if I were not human. There is a man who has dissolved. He was always known to lend a hand. It was overused, ripped off, thrown away. Then he gave the other one; the result was the same He gave his feet - their skin was scraped off by gravel which his toes then became. He continued across the land helping everyone. His limbs carried off on the wind. His left leg was ripped off to become a cane. His blood mixed with all the earth’s mud. His chest didn’t seem so useful til someone needed a pillow. His teeth made jewelry. His hair - a rope, His tongue - a sponge. After everything else was gone his skull was taken for a cup. He wasn’t a man anymore, only dust, maybe dust. Kindness is gruesome. The other night while I drove I had such a stark picture stuck behind my eyes- My face buried in her blouse. Her beautiful, blameless, blue blouse soaked. Her hands holding my still-pouring head, accepting the surrender. It even had the itch of pleasure. But man is not a river - there is pride in every quiver. So I took the wrong corner and went back into town. I might be wrong to hold on to pride and dignity But there’s strength in being a pebble. Power’s not so pretty to me. She’d never take my weakness from me. She’d never take my kindness from me.
6.
7.
I want to grab life and take a bite, let the juice roll down my neck. Maybe I need to be a sponge lying on the ground to soak up all around. Or I need to dissolve dissolve in joy all around. It can feel good to be crushed by God’s hand. But later on you can feel sore. Oh what a powerful face I have seen in the crowd. Everything attesting to God’s glory all around. 
God can shine through you. God shines through clouds. Marvel at the modern architecture. and marvel at God’s nature. Marvel at the beauty of nature. Dissolve in beauty all around.
8.
Other Love 03:05
I don’t wanna find no other love. People get attached O that’s how they act. Coz love makes sense of life it seems so important. Heard love is a game but games are what we love. Nothing is more serious than a simple game. Love may attack without warning. It’s the most familiar thing that there ever was. So I’m not sure that there is any other love. Are there many types of joy or only one? Are there many types of pain or only one? Can’t you find me in your heart? I know I found you in mine. Longing lasts a long time. Don’t know if there are others I will find. Still want to see you recognize me want to see your eyes grow wide then a smile before you’re thinking. Want to hear your whispering. Can’t you see the light in me?
9.
10.
Platonic 08:18
I would like to live without a body. I’ve heard there's only the physical. I’m not sure that’s true. They say the rest is illusion. Well I may be an illusion too. Fleshy pleasures  are wasted on me. Fleshy pleasures  aren't what they're cracked up to be. I’ve heard we live only for pleasure. Whether base or cultured, they call all of it pleasure. It still won’t explain all I do. Sounds don’t have bodies and they are real enough for me. Being a wave, being a wave. might make one holy, not melancholy. I’ve heard there's no noble love. It's all only transactional. But we all can feel real love and we can all take part in beauty. Please don’t reduce love. No don’t reduce love, don’t make it cheap and tawdry. O don’t reduce love, O then you'll lose love. It’s not explained evolutionarily.
11.
Easy Changes 02:10
We should look at artwork  like we look at mountains. We should look at mountains like we look at artwork. Take it seriously while you are laughing. Ooowaa ooowaaa ooowaaa  hahahahahaha. How's it gonna be to love so completely? You can change quite easily. O don’t let it make you worry. Try to make the best of  every situation. Every situation  can be your guest. It's all particular, you can find some value. You can find some value in all the particulars. You can run the bases. Base your runs on something. I don’t know - just do it for fun Keep your eye on the ball. Don't swing til it gets close. Keep your eye on the ball. All you gotta do is make some contact. How’s it gonna be to listen so sincerely? You don't have to change completely.  Just reverse the order, see what you can see. Even in baseball you can play but you don’t have to compete.
12.
Spirit Talk 04:30
I haven't been afraid in awhile not like the people in movies running all over the place screaming uncontrollably. Then again I've never seen a spirit gliding towards me visible and audible inexplicably. Are all the bunnies I see in the night terrified of me?  Running in fear from me? Coz they can’t explain what they see? [Should we be afraid of spirits anyway? If they are at all they’re immaterial] I want to be familiar with everything. There would no fear I’d try to hear the great spirit sing. You'll talk about spirits but not about God. O baby baby isn't that odd? You don’t look around for the great spirit. It’s not found by buying tickets. God doesn’t have a body, anymore. No, God doesn’t have a body, no, no. Is a person shaped by times of great stress or is it times of long rest?  What you do as a choice matters more than when you’re forced. Doesn't take a womanizer to make you a woman. Doesn't take an advertiser to make you a plan. No, baby don't have to compete. No, you don’t have to act that way. Appreciate what's at your feet, while you’re thinking you can pray. It's making me worried - all my disagreeing. I feel displeased with everything around me. O it irritates me so when you claim to know what you don’t know. You think there is nothing you can’t understand. Maybe that’s true, but not at yr command. God knows whether God’s real I want to be familiar with everything. I want to hear the great spirit sing.
13.
Great Love 05:19
I’ve got a great love in me hiding. I’ve got a great love in me. It’s hidden pretty deep. I’ve got a great love in me. I feel it in my dreams. I’ve got a great love in me. I feel it in my sleep. I’ve got a great love in me hiding. I’ve got a great love in me. It’s hidden in my dreams. Love is no secret so why do I feel I keep it? I shall love, I shall love but how shall I love? I shall love, I shall love but what’s the right way to love? I shall love, commanded to love, but should I show love or hide love? I’ve got a great wave in me. I feel it crashing. I have a great wave in me. I feel it crashing, never overlapping. I’ve got a great wave. I feel it crashing. I feel it cresting I hear it crashing. I’ve got a great love in me I’ve got a great wave in me. I feel it cresting. I’ve got a great love in me never resting. I’ve got a great love in me. How do you set love free? I’ve got a great love in me. How does one set it free? I’ve got a great love in me. Can one set love free? Well I got a love, I gotta love. I’m told I gotta love - I’ve got to love. I’ve got a great love in me hiding.
14.
Visions 02:38
Think of sand in the moonlight, waves lapping up flames across grass, blurry heat silhouetting, sand turning to melting glass - the moonlight made solid. You’ve found a place that’s never closed. It takes some work to never close. But here open is easier. Water does not stop, but water gets gentler. Think of waves on your forehead, the moon washing your face, blue above and around you. The sky begins where you end and you breathe out the wind.
15.
Verbs 04:36
“To die” is not an active verb. It happens - it isn’t done. "Being sneezed on", "being spit upon" those are verbs, those are things I do. You need to find what you should endure and what you cannot stand to stomach. Then you might live well with others But patience in one is not enough for some When you live beneath other people you sometimes wonder if they’re knocking on your ceiling or only walking on their floor. I’ve never been able to know for sure. I s’pose I'm OK with being on display. It seems you always are anyway. I didn't wonder if my friendships were hollow, but I heard that empty sound in others. I don’t wish to prove my honesty, but sincerity still worries me. I s’pose we’ve all become strangers once, leaving our familiar homes. There’s some mystery in every face and great distances in a tiny space.
16.
Her smile’s so oppressive, so it’s all he can see. She puts him in the hallway and tells him he’s set free. She’s never too aggressive - not when he wants her to be. Her power holds him in sway, but he thought he had equality. He wasn’t afraid of the lapdog life. He hated power. No desire for a throne. Didn't understand the paranoid towers. Now he’s lying prone. That's a problem with power - if you don't want it, you don't get it, and the others grab it all. He made a career out of missing her. Her eyes seemed so corrosive. He couldn't love or leave. She never really saw him. She said he was never free. In his head he feels explosive, at a door without a key. For being meek and mild, the reward's a mystery.
17.
“Who will wear my ring?” He said, “Whom shall I wed?” Laughing, she says, “it’s only up to him. Watching him it’s clear to me the power of self-deceit.” She appears to him mirthfully. Unfortunately not mercifully. Well she’s no fruitful prospect. He thinks, “Please don’t suspect, don’t expect.” She says, “You shouldn’t worry so” She’s no angel but how does she know? “You’ve got to make your own fate,” she says, “but for you it may be too late.” She grins. He wonders “Is she it? Has she thought of having kids?” O she’s not interested, but she wouldn’t say it’s been determined. There’s no sole control over the fulfillment of the soul. If your idle hands are the devil’s tools then you were never any good. You need to know what you control not only what you’re told. There’s only one real you, and it’s no real mystery. Take a look at what you do - there’s your big discovery. No deeper self than that, nothing hidden actually. If you try to stay busy so you don’t sin, you only avoid the trouble you’re in. Can’t you be alone in your room without distraction? Can’t you turn away from temptation without distraction? Be aware of your self and what’s out of control. I know I have some control. I know I’m responsible. But how horrible it would be, if even our ideas were not free. If our minds were a plaything, not free in word or deed. But I don’t see how I could be deceived. I don’t know what it means for freedom to be imaginary. Weddings aren’t meant to be endings and so far his has not come. A beginning off in the distance makes an ending seem quite tame. He still remembers those women who could have been the bride for whom he still waits. He has become  more accustomed to the pain of love  than to the joy. Still his life is guided by  one desperate hope made more powerful by it’s unlikelihood. It’s so common but so particular. Do we control our hope? It may be instilled in us but still we feel we can fulfill out of our sheer free will. Only total control could answer every hope.
18.
Left To Say 04:24
What is there left to say? I feel the weight of history.  Does it matter either way if I make discoveries? History has an end but it’s always moving on. By whose power does it bend? By whose carriage is it drawn? All the prophetic dreams don’t mean anything ’til they have been proven, and it’s too late to use them. All the words have to be old  if they’re going to work. But new uses are found in the world of sight & sound. Can art's problems become solved? Is there progress to be made? Are the paintings in the hall  better than those in the cave? When pleasure’s not the aim living life can become strange. Is it great to toil to make art for others’ pleasure’s sake? How am I supposed to live? Should I only try to write carefree songs repetitive that keep the pain out of sight? You cannot choose to be good when you don’t know what’s right. Context can't be understood without historical light. If history is controlled, I’m even more confused. Maybe when I’m old I’ll know what I now should do.
19.
Searchers 03:38
I caught a glimpse of your face, so I took off over the land. (Always ended on a beach) The horizon is not a place, so you were always out of reach, just past the tip of my hand. I thought I needed you, but I haven’t died yet. So maybe it isn’t true, but I wouldn’t place any bets. Your breath is on every wind, your thoughts are in my mind. But I can’t only breath you in. Just teach me how to be kind. I caught a glimpse of your face, then I dropped in on the floor. When you think you can’t go any more west, you just go west some more. If it’s all only imaginary, I wouldn’t mind at all. Even if I’m only chasing fairies, I’ll walk until I have to crawl. I caught a glimpse of your face, so I’m still searching over the land. Won’t stop until I find some grace and feel my soul begin to expand.
20.
I’ll always place all my bets on you. I don’t have much to lose. There isn’t much I have accrued betting on you. I still place all my chips on you, even if they only add up to two. I open myself up for abuse. I can be your poor knight if I want to. I can be pathetic and devoted too. I can let myself be eroded too. Still won’t know if we win or lose. Devotion’s not so tasteful, kindness is embarrassing. I’ve been a proud man not for any real reason. It’s can be easy to make symmetry, and you sometimes see simple sympathy. I am still wishing to live like Prince Myshkin, to love like Prince Myshkin, but there’s a problem. One becomes bothersome, but I don’t know how. Kindness becomes bothersome. I’m not sure why. Kindness is easily understood. It’s not easily done. It’s punished repeatedly. It takes responsibility. It’s strong and sure of itself. Unconcerned with recognition, reaches out to those that flee with flaws, casual with all, withal, tries not to control, It withstands. Kindness withstands. Don’t turn away. Don’t be afraid to love more than you are loved. And try to learn just how to love.

about

This kitchen sink of an album was recorded over the course of the wild winter/spring fluctuation of 2014 (specifically January-April). The whole thing was spurred on by Julian whistling his way over to the town of Union with a car full of drums and microphones, which were then put to good use over the course of days which kept stretching into weeks and months as we decided we might as well clear out the whole storage closet of songs and make a few new ones. As you may wisely surmise that's why it's the longest Conductors release yet - don't try to fit it on one CD, they're just too compact for that! Unlike prior sessions, nothing was destroyed or damaged during the making of this album and recording went surprisingly smoothly, maybe because we didn't spend enough time making smoothies. Sometimes you've gotta sacrifice those smoothies - that's just the world we live in (we also live in a world where music's not only released on holidays, so this is the first Conductors release not to be either - don't worry, we're just getting worldly [Update! - I've been informed by a trusted source that May 19th is in fact Victoria Day, so we're not too worldly yet, Happy Victoria Day!]).

credits

released May 19, 2014

Julian the Jool Thief aka The Jool-Aid Man aka "Mr. Ellis" on drums, whistling, shakers, suggestions, ideas.

Will Yumm on the rest (and also some shaking of his own).

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Conductors Chicago, Illinois

"Mona tried to tell me
To stay away from the train line
She said that all the railroad men
Just drink up your blood like wine
An’ I said, 'Oh, I didn’t know that
But then again, there’s only one I’ve met
An’ he just smoked my eyelids
An’ punched my cigarette' "
... more

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